With Your help, I can ... with my God I can scale a wall. (Psalm 18:29)
Well, I am here, Lord. Maybe just out of habit more than real seeking You. For I am once again ashamed of who I've been - fearful of my weakness and lack of leadership skills; knowing I should be trusting You more. Worrisome over my words, my feelings, my responses now and in the day ahead and I am certainly upset that I am here whining to You once again about this stuff. How You must tire of me. Why don't I dig my heels in and live right? I don't want to be in this frame of mind. With You again, I recognize my weakness but I don't see Your power. Forgive me, my attitude. Forgive the doubts and fears. Forgive my claim of being Yours when I still live as a boat tossed about by every wave. And my waves are nothing compared to those living with real trauma. Forgive. I want to ask for backbone but I think I'm still seeking some sort of self-reliance in doing so. I want to gain self control. I want to have the wisdom to make automatic good decisions without first asking the help of You, God. Must I first acknowledge my weakness and inability every time? Is not giving thanks and praise afterwards enough? It's probably irreverent to talk like that. I want a fresh, perfect start to start over with. There is only today to work with. What do I need to know for this fresh start?
"All your sins have been forgiven. Every one of every kind, even those you have repeated quite often. In Christ Jesus you have a clean slate beginning right now. You have come to God in prayer, you have confessed your sins. You have asked forgiveness. A fresh start for you is here. Amazing grace - it is sweet! So what do you need to know? Life is a series of choices. You are constantly making one choice after another. Sometimes it may seem as though you have only one possible way to go but that is not true. Something else is running alongside. Did you even see it? Consider it? Which one is God pleasing? Do you know which one is God-powered? Which one is wise and acceptable in your own eyes? Which one seems more of a challenge of time and skill than you think you can muster - but somehow there is a "sense" that that's the direction God wants you to go? And do you have excuses? What about your time? You'll have it to obey God's call if you ask for it. Do you lack the wisdom and skill? You'll have it if you ask God for it. There is promise after promise in the bible that God will equip you for every good work. Good choices are not impossible with God. You are not a helpless victim to your circumstances. There is a way - with God. You are making choices: I can ... or I can't. But don't blame your human weakness. All things are possible with God - through Christ Who gives you strength."
Thank You, dear Lord, once again for taking hold of me in my desperate frame of mind and realigning me with Your truths. Thank You for bringing power filled scripture to mind. Thank You for meeting me where I am, meeting my greatest need with the power of Your love for me. What have I learned? To come to You in prayer even when I don't feel like it; when I'm ashamed and don't want to talk about it. When I feel unworthy of being in Your presence. Like a parent with their child, You have tenderly kissed my forehead and with a loving pat on my bottom, have sent me on my way and got me moving again. Lord, You are wonderful. You are my everything. More than I could hope for or imagine.
Bless the Lord, O my soul ...
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