... and what NOT to say

Had a conversation with a dear friend recently. She happens to have suffered a loss of a loved one – and also works with others who have. So I feel pretty confident to share some of the things she told me.

 

Grieving is a terrible business. Grieving is a personal business. Everyone handles it differently. It’s mind-numbing. It is life stopping. And it always takes longer than you think.

 

A few things that just don’t help in the time of fresh grief:

 

Your loved one isn’t in pain anymore. (I don’t care! I want my loved one with ME)

Your loved one is in a better place. (I don’t care! I want my loved one with ME)

May you have peace that passes understanding (I don’t want peace. I want my loved one with ME)

I know exactly how you feel (No, you don’t. You don’t)

 

And this next one, used my many of us, innocently and not meaning harm:

It’s been a year now… it’s time for you to move on.

 

Call it selfish. But the feelings are honest and raw and real. They come in waves – tidal waves. Sometimes they ebb and flow. Eventually, there are days that are better than others. But that empty ache never really goes away. In some ways, you don’t get over it in a year or two or…

 

So, what can we say in these instances? Because we do love and care for this person.

 

• I am so sorry this has happened to you.
• I am here for you. I’ll call you next week. I’ll bring dinner.
• I will share your joys and sorrows, til we’ve seen this journey through.